You never realize how much strength you have inside you as a person, a parent until it is tested. Several years ago my daughter drowned or shall I say “near drowning” as the hospital said. Laying here holding my almost two year old son in the bed on my chest. I feel his little heart pounding. Reminding me of my daughters heart pounding back to life. Thinking of what I really want to do for the rest of my life. It hits me like a ton of bricks. Everything I have ever done in my life up unto this point, has trained me to be the person I am today. I say to myself, wow I’m almost thirty and there is NOTHING I have done that shows accomplishment in my life. Yet, as I lay here tears streaming down my face I feel the slightest relief. Squeezing my son tight. Thanking God for where he has placed me in life. For everything and everyone he has placed in my life. My parents and siblings taught me to strong and kind. My friends and not so friends taught me to make wiser choices in life by watching their mistakes. My teachers taught me to be smart and always look further. The fire department taught me a way to learn my path even with my eyes closed and stuck. How to fight and be an amazing mother and partner. The Lord pushed my will to go to school, I went. to EMT school that…. taught me how to save my daughters life. My good friends and bosses taught me how to work hard and earn for my family. As I lay here, I wish I could thank all of the people who helped shape me. Become me…. Although I feel like nothing 500% of the time, tonight I realize, I am so much more. Even if I only have this feeling for a second to me its worth it. So what I’m pushing 30. Look at the four beautiful children I have raised, smart none the less. Strong, willing, and fighters they are. All because of me! Hopefully I am for them, what all of those people were for me. A teacher teaching them an amazing future.
Depression is something I battle with daily. Yet, I have unsuspecting moments like this that show me I can be great. I have been great. I WILL BE GREAT. For something, someone, somewhere, I am and will be great! Maybe all I am meant to be is just a mom. That is fine with me. Maybe I need something more, maybe not. Hopefully I am doing my job great. hopefully, I never fail at that. I am a fighter and I will fight for my children forever and teach them how to defy all odds. How to be great. To never give up. To push even when your OWN mind beats you down. Close your eyes, clinch your fists, raise your arm, bow your head, say a prayer and PUSH!