Reality….

Having been married for many years and being together even longer. You feel that you know each other quite well. It’s as if you know exactly what makes the other person tick. Throughout your relationship, you learn what is needed from you to help the other person grow and thrive. Over the years you sometimes feel as this person that you care for so deeply, the person you fell in love with many many moons ago isnt giving you what you need.  They are only taking what they need. You begin to doubt your relationship. You begin to come to the reality of things. At many points in your marriage you realize you feel as if the other person is holding you back. Just putting more pressure on you than you ever realized. During these times you find it very difficult to communicate with the other person. You are angry, irritated by thier actions, thier words, everything they do. Even just thier touch sometimes feels aggervating. These emotions sometimes become overwhelming. In this marriage you have, you love this person yet you feel blinded by your anger. You just want the anger to end. You want your frustrations to just disappear. Yet, it feels endless. When you don’t have “amazing” communication with your spouse. (Some people claim they do but let me tell you every marriage has its point!) It is very hard to explain to your love that you feel this way. You begin to push each other apart. Feel as if you need a break! A vacation… a relief from all the stress and extra pressure this person puts on you. I will tell you that when you are one person taking care of everything, the children, the household, the spouse, and working almost full time. There is no time for yourself. There have been times you literally forget to shower, forget to eat. You’re exhausted. At this point of life, the reality of it becomes difficult. Very difficult. You’ve begged for help…  Nothing…. You’ve cried for help…. Nothing…. you mention footnotes incessantly about how you cant handle everything, how exhausted you are. Yet, everyone still wants to pull on just another string until youre all stretched out about to burst. Then others notice too. You’re loosing weight. You look rough woman! You okay today? You look like your completely exhausted. How come you’re not smiling today? Has it become this obvious how overwhelmed I have become? Yes, yes it has.. so my question to you is. When you reach this point, where do you go from here? When you love this person, you are past the point of begging on your hands and knees. What are your choices? If all other options have been explored and nothing is getting through. What’s left? This is.. reality!

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Mind beats

mind

You never realize how much strength you have inside you as a person, a parent until it is tested. Several years ago my daughter drowned or shall I say “near drowning” as the hospital said. Laying here holding my almost two year old son in the bed on my chest. I feel his little heart pounding. Reminding me of my daughters heart pounding back to life. Thinking of what I really want to do for the rest of my life. It hits me like a ton of bricks. Everything I have ever done in my life up unto this point,  has trained me to be the person I am today. I say to myself, wow I’m almost thirty and there is NOTHING I have done that shows accomplishment in my life. Yet, as I lay here tears streaming down my face I feel the slightest relief. Squeezing my son tight. Thanking God for where he has placed me in life. For everything and everyone he has placed in my life. My parents and siblings taught me to strong and kind. My friends  and not so friends taught me to make wiser choices in life by watching their mistakes. My teachers taught me to be smart and always look further. The fire department taught me a way to learn my path even with my eyes closed and stuck. How to fight and be an amazing mother and partner. The Lord pushed my will to go to school, I went. to EMT school that…. taught me how to save my daughters life. My good friends and bosses taught me how to work hard and earn for my family.  As I lay here, I wish I could thank all of the people who helped shape me. Become me…. Although I feel like nothing 500% of the time, tonight I realize, I am so much more. Even if I only have this feeling for a second to me its worth it. So what I’m pushing 30. Look at the four beautiful children I have raised, smart none the less. Strong, willing, and fighters they are. All because of me! Hopefully I am for them,  what all of those people were for me. A teacher teaching them an amazing future.

            Depression is something I battle with daily. Yet, I have unsuspecting moments like this that show me I can be great. I have been great. I WILL BE GREAT. For something, someone, somewhere, I am and will be great! Maybe all I am meant to be is just a mom. That is fine with me. Maybe I need something more, maybe not. Hopefully I am doing my job great. hopefully, I never fail at that. I am a fighter and I will fight for my children forever and teach them how to defy all odds. How to be great. To never give up. To push even when your OWN mind beats you down. Close your eyes, clinch your fists, raise your arm, bow your head, say a prayer and PUSH!